How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
i can't believe i had my finger in that
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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