Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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