We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
