I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
