Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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