For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
