I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
