the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
