shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
