you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
