True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
