so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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