dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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