My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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