I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize