My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
