Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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