Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I came so hard my ears popped.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize