My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
And then he peed in my hair
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