Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
