Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
