About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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