I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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