I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
