I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
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