before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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