im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
