she looked like the before picture.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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