im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
