3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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