he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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