I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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