I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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