tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
