forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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