hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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