If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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