i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
