He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize