you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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