It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
