Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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