I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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