Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
