you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
