i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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