You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
