I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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