i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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