you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
