Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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