I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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