in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
