it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
