shes about as inviting as chlamydia
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
