First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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