Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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