Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
